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~ Funny Humorous Poems ~

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~ Funny Humorous Poems - From The Medicine Chest ~


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REMEMBER WHEN...
by Anonymous
 
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend.
A gig was a job for the night.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
 
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a three-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste, you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


THE BACHELOR'S SOLILOQUY
by Anonymous

O wed, or not to wed; that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in a man to suffer
The slings and sorrows of that blind young archer;
Or fly to arms against a host of troubles,
And at the altar end them. To woo - to wed
No more; and by this step to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand hopes and fears
The single suffer, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To woo - to wed;
To wed - perchance repent! - ay, there's the rub;
For in that wedded state, what woes may come
When we have launched upon that untried sea
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes celibacy of so long life;
For who would bear the quips and jeers of friends,
The husband's pity, and the coquette's scorn,
The vacant hearth, the solitary cell,
The unshared sorrow, and the void within,
When he himself might his redemption gain
With a fair damsel. Who would beauty shun
To toil and plod over a barren heath;
But that the dread of something yet beyond
The undiscovered country, from whose bourne
No bachelor returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of!
Thus forethought does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And numberless flirtations, long pursued,
With this regard, their currents turn awry
And lose the name of marriage.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


ROSES AND VIOLETS
by Anonymous

Roses are red, violets are blue.
That's what they say, but it just isn't true!
Roses are red and apples are too,
But violets are violet...violets aren't blue!
An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green.
A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not, we defile it.
But ah, what the heck...it's hard to rhyme violet!


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


MY FOOT FUNGUS
by Anonymous

I'm growing fungus on my feet
To tell the truth, it's kinda neat
I grew it for my science class
It's got so big, I'm bound to pass

But it's not easy growing mould
You must keep it dark and from the cold
Put your socks on when they're wet
And make feed your fungus lots of sweat

It's been a month since I last showered
And because of this, it's truly flowered
It's amazing just how fast it grows
You've never seen such fuzzy toes!

It has the most delightful hue
It's sorta green and sorta blue
But there are drawbacks to its fungal riches
You won't believe how much it itches
And the smell is gross, I have to say
But it's worth it all to get an "A"


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


THE NAMELESS MAIDEN
by Anonymous

A maid, I dare not tell her name;
For fear I should disgrace her,
Tempted a young man for to come
One night for to embrace her.
When at the door he made a stop, he made a stop,
Then she lay still, and snoring cry'd,
"The latch will up, the latch will up."
        
This young man, hearing of her words,
Pull'd up the latch and entered;
But in the room unfortunately
To her mother's bed he ventured.
When the poor maid was sore afraid,
And almost dead, and almost dead;
Then she lay still, and snoring cry'd,
"To the truckle bed, to the truckle bed."
      
Unto the truckle bed he went,
But as this youth was a-going,
The unlucky cradle stood in his way,
Which had almost spoil'd his wooing.
When after this the maid he spy'd, the maid he spy'd,
Here she lay still, and snoring cry'd,
"To th'other side, to th'other side."
   
Unto the other side he went,
To show the love he meant her;
Pull'd off his clothes courageously,
And fell to the work he was sent for.
And the poor maid made no reply, made no reply,
But she lay still, and snoring cry'd,
"A little too high, a little too high."
     
This lusty lover half ashamed,
Of her gentle admonition,
He thought to charge her home again,
As e'er a girl could wish him.
"Why now my love, I'm right I know, I'm right I know."
Then she lay still, and snoring cry'd,
"A little too low, a little too low."
      
But by mistake, at length this youth
His business so well 'tended,
He hit the mark so cunningly,
He defy'd all the world to mend it.
"Well now, my love, I'm right I swear, I'm right I swear."
Then she lay still, and snoring cry'd,
"Oh there! just there! O there! just there!"


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


Tax Forms
by Anonymous
 
I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain enough for me.

A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand

To guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a penalty.

A form that I will not detest
or take as more than an awful jest.

A form with pages that I can read
and fill out easily with some speed

Such forms weren't made for fools like me
nor even God who made a tree.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


TAXATION POEM
by Anonymous
 
Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his grass,
Tax the roads he must pass

Tax his food, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his sodas, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears

Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance tax


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


THE END OF THE RAVEN
by Anonymous
 
On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting
of the man I catch mice for.

Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a raven
perched above the chamber door.

"Raven's very tasty," thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more."

Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.

While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;

For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.

Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore
Only this and not much more.

"Oooh!" my pickled poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout
talking to a bird before;

How I've wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty",
then I heard him start to snore.

Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


THE GRUMBLE FAMILY
by Anonymous
 
There's a family nobody likes to meet;
They live, it is said, on Complaining Street
In the city of Never-Are-Satisfied,
The River of Discontent beside.

They growl at that and they growl at this;
Whatever comes, there is something amiss;
And whether their station be high or humble,
They are all known by the name of Grumble.

The weather is always too hot or cold;
Summer and winter alike they scold.
Nothing goes right with the folks you meet
Down on that gloomy Complaining Street.

They growl at the rain and they growl at the sun;
In fact, their growling is never done.
And if everything pleased them, there isn't a doubt
They'd growl that they'd nothing to grumble about!

But the queerest thing is that not one of the same
Can be brought to acknowledge his family name;
For never a Grumbler will own that he
Is connected with it at all, you see.

The worst thing is that if anyone stays
Among them too long, he will learn their ways;
And before he dreams of the terrible jumble
He's adopted into the family of Grumble.

And so it were wisest to keep our feet
From wandering into Complaining Street;
And never to growl, whatever we do,
Lest we be mistaken for Grumblers, too.

Let us learn to walk with a smile and a song,
No matter if things do sometimes go wrong;
And then, be our station high or humble,
We'll never belong to the family of Grumble!


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


THREE FINGER CRASH
by Anonymous
 
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl-and Alt Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid
your wife, well she's just mute.
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot.

You'd like to have another job,
you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew
with Ctrl and Alt Delete



Funny Humorous Poems - From The Medicine Chest ~


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