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~ Funny Humorous Poems ~

Is Laughter is the Best Medicine?



~ Funny Humorous Poems - From The Medicine Chest ~


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AN ODE TO A BOOZER
by Michael Sage

A drink or two, that sounds very good,
And a maybe a few more, is really fine.
A beer, a whisky, or a bottle or two,
Of white or red, or any old wine.
I drink with the rich, I drink with the poor,
And even those souls, who are on the bread line.
I really need a tipple, or maybe a few more,
It makes me feel grand, and truly sublime.

A triple scotch on the rocks, is what I slug,
With the guys and gals, at the members only club.
Or a lager or an ale, or frothy old draught,
With the lads and their wenches, at the old corner pub.
I'll even swig a glass, of vintner's choice,
While bathing myself, in a soapy hot tub.
But don't give me chow, as it gets in the way,
Of another quick shot, so please hold the grub.

The odd snifter or two, can become twenty two,
It seems a lot, but it’s what I can hold.
They slip down the hatch, with no fuss at all,
That delicious flavor, of liquid gold.
Some get jovial, and others get aggro,
But I remain discreet, I ain't that bold.
Then I stumble on home, and keel into bed,
After a few too many, so I am told.

Dawn arrives, and the rays pierce through,
The morning clouds, and the early fog.
My insides are squeamish, I ain't feeling good,
One of those days, it's called the hair of the dog.
I try to get moving, but it ain't that easy,
My bodies so heavy, like an over-sized log.
Then all of a sudden, my insides are a comin',
And I dart off to the loo, and talk to the bog.

I'm feeling much better, I'm ready for the day,
I know what I did, I overstepped 'that' line.
I'm never quite sure, how many is too many,
Too many for who?, it's so hard to define.
But my mates are my friends, they really are,
'Cause being with them, is like being on cloud nine.
Right now I feel like a drink, it sounds very good,
I'm sure if I have a few more, it'll really be fine.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


MR. NOBODY
By Anonymous

I know a funny little man,
As quiet as a mouse,
Who does the mischief that is done
In everybody’s house!
There’s no one ever sees his face,
And yet we all agree
That every plate we break was cracked
By Mr. Nobody.

’Tis he who always tears out books,
 Who leaves the door ajar,
He pulls the buttons from our shirts,
And scatters pins afar;
That squeaking door will always squeak,
For prithee, don’t you see,
We leave the oiling to be done
 By Mr. Nobody.

The finger marks upon the door
By none of us are made;
We never leave the blinds unclosed,
To let the curtains fade.
The ink we never spill; the boots
That lying round you see
Are not our boots,they all belong
To Mr. Nobody.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


DUST IF YOU MUST
by Anonymous
 
Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


ON A TIRED HOUSEWIFE
by Anonymous

Here lies a poor woman who was always tired,
She lived in a house where help wasn't hired:
Her last words on earth were: 'Dear friends, I am going
To where there's no cooking, or washing, or sewing,
For everything there is exact to my wishes,
For where they don't eat there's no washing of dishes.
I'll be where loud anthems will always be ringing,
But having no voice I'll be quit of the singing.
Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never,
I am going to do nothing for ever and ever.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


REMEMBER WHEN...
by Anonymous
 
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend.
A gig was a job for the night.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
 
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a three-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.
Paste, you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


LITTLE LESSONS
by Anonymous

The love I bear you, dearest,
Would make the sweetest tale,
We'd sail upon a sea of bliss,
And I would lift the sail.
Our happiness would be sublime,
Surpassing tongue or pen.
You may as well learn things from me,
As to learn from other men.
        
"Oh! you have touched me - deeply,"
The young thing whispered low.
He pleaded: "Come! oh! come with me."
She could not answer: "No."
She said: "I'll be your pupil."
And softly added then:
"I may as well learn things from you
As to learn from other men."
        
They dined alone that evening,
And the young man got his wish.
They even broke the unwritten law
Of: "Nevaire before zee feesh."
At half-past three, next morning,
He staggered home again.
She had taught him tricks he never knew,
That she'd learned from other men.


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
by Anonymous
 
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer's head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn't the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch's bark? 


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


STUNNED SURPRISE
by Anonymous
 
I dreamed death came to me one night,
and Heaven's gates flew open wide.
With kindly grace, St. Peter came
and ushered me inside.

There, to my astonishment, were friends
I had known on Earth.
Some I had labeled as unfit
and some of little worth.

Indignant words flew to my lips;
Words I could not set free.
For every face showed stunned surprise --
No one expected ME!


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


I CAN'T REMEMBER
by Anonymous
 
Just a line to say I'm living
that I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head

I got used to my arthritis
to my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals
but God, I miss my mind

For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away, or
have I come to take some out?

And there's a time when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring, or
just getting out of bed

So, if it's my turn to write you
there's no need for getting sore,
I may think I have written
and don't want to be a bore

So, remember that I love you
and wish that you were near,
But now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, dear

There I stand beside the mail box
with a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter
I opened it instead


~ Funny Humorous Poems ~


MY MEDICATION
by Anonymous
 
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...
Is what tells each one where to go!



Funny Humorous Poems - From The Medicine Chest ~


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